absolutgcs.org

i’m really frustrated right now. and for nothing that seems like a good reason to me at the moment so i’m hoping by the end of this writing experience i’ll be able to key in on what’s really getting to me.

so i’ve been working on redoing this site in bits and pieces. i have the layout that i want nailed down. the remaining part is getting all the different parts of text displaying as how they should be (aka editing the stylesheet like a madman). it’s funny because i used to (and still partially believe) that web design technologies are “below” a true computer science graduate. everything is turning out pretty easy to pick up but the volume of information out there is crazy and it takes a decent amount of time to pick out the way to do things. my aspirations for this blog are for it to be my home online… where i can just write whatever the fuck i want. it would be a cool benefit if people found it interesting and struck up a dialogue with me but that’s overly optimistic. there’s too much shit out there. anyway yeah so i’m pissed off about this site revision taking so long. i hope it looks okay at the end of the day (whenever that may be).

things are frustrating me at work. a friend left the company for better work and much better (read: 5 figure increase) salary. i like the work i’m doing for the most part but i feel like our team is a bit disjoint at times. i’m the youngest and i hate being forceful trying to incorporate myself into stuff so i usually just observe. i take initiative to do things but i’m just talking about on a social level. i’ll be travelling to an air force base for security training next week and there’s some complication getting all the travel plans exactly how they need to be for minimal effort. another point of frustration. i want to get promoted, get more responsibility and get a raise. i can do the shit, i don’t doubt that.

school is another huge source of frustration. i really like my group, both of my partners are awesome. i do not like our coach, who is just absent-minded lots of the time. she talks too slowly (i feel like i’m going to have a seizure waiting for her to spit the words out of her mouth) and i feel like she just isn’t on top of her shit. according to the myers briggs personality indicator, we have very conflicting styles, so that might explain some things. she gave me some comments about the fact that i put in a lot of hours last week and attributed it to “lack of planning”. i just BLEW UP over that. that was such bullshit, our project’s schedule got fucked because the “faculty” weren’t available when they should have been. emails went unanswered for long periods of time and they weren’t even in town in a timely fashion. this caused us to spin our wheels on a backup plan that got TOSSED. i sent a reply back to this “lack of planning” comment and put that shit to rest.

besides all of that bullshit, there’s just a massive amount of work to get done. we were supposed to get comments by monday evening to begin revising our assignment due Friday. well. we just got them a couple of hours ago. because the coach’s mailbox was FULL. how IRRESPONSIBLE is that? meanwhile i’m scrambling monday night to make sure that we can get the drafts to her asap so we can get comments asap. fuck it. so yeah tonight, thursday night and friday night i will have no life. i will be working at cmu for at least 6 hrs/night. the comments indicate that she has many bones to pick with our draft so there is a lot of fixing to go on. on the other hand, i feel like she just missed/doesn’t understand what’s going on with our modeling of the problem. rather, she has it envisioned one way and will not allow the vision to bend in any way to incorporate our characterization. which is REALLY frustrating. or as she loves to tell us… “that’s terrific!”

what can I say, i’ve always worked hard to turn in good work. i don’t think that will EVER change about me, especially with anything school related. i don’t think i’m stupid and i don’t want to produce anything that gives people any reason to think i am.

what else… cali had an earthquake yesterday. i get a call from my mom and i wonder if she’s calling about that or about my grandmother or something else tragic that might have happened. i’m not talking to her so i let it hit vmail. it was about the quake, so i send her an email saying i’m fine and there’s no damage here. it just reminded me of how pissed off i am about that whole situation. this was fresh in my mind from a conversation i had monday evening with my cousin online. she’s engaged, getting married feb 20. her dad and my mom are siblings. yet my mom is so much more conservative/religious than him. to the point that it helped destroy any notion of normality while growing up.

i don’t know. i feel so detached from it all. days pass. weeks go by. and i feel like it’s all just going so quickly. already a month into being 23.

i’m tired. i want a vacation.